I had one of those days yesterday where it seemed that from the time I left my house at 6:45am and returned home at 11:30pm, that I was doing, doing and doing. I cannot tell you how prepared I was to be like Jesus to my world and how I failed miserably throughout the day. Instead of being the loving person I wanted to be, I was mad, frustrated, spouting off my disappointment with what was happening and frankly, not the person someone would say, wow, he loves and follows Jesus.
Jesus, where were you yesterday? I know the answer. He was right with me every step of the way. I allowed Him a few moments which broke the frustration and anger but I needed to get back to me and handle all these problems. And when I couldn’t handle them, I let others know why I couldn’t handle them….IT WAS BECAUSE OF THEM!
I have had too many of these days in my life. I don’t seem to learn. No matter how many good days I may have, days like yesterday stand out. All I can think of is that Jesus is trying to show me that if I continue to live with pride, I’ll continue to suffer in my pride. I have grown though because I realize in these types of moments, I still have to pray and talk to God. Even in my sinful ways, I find myself talking to God. I want to accept whatever God gives me. I tell God I want to go to Heaven. I cannot do anything to earn it but am I doing things that are really frustrating God? I think I am so I continue to talk and try to listen.
So this is what I think I heard. GOD: Do you love your family? Me: Yes Lord. Do they always do everything perfectly according to the will of God? No Lord. Do you still love them? Yes Lord. My love and mercy are greater than anyone can imagine. But Lord, I know I am sinning and I don’t seem to care. I think it offends you but I am selfish and I only think of me. I will even tell you how much I love you all throughout the day but many of my actions do not show it. And Lord, even though I don’t say it, I don’t care until after I choose sin, which I think makes it all the worse. And I still love you! That is so hard to understand because it’s hard for me to love myself but thank you Jesus. You gave your life for me and I still hurt and offend you. I am sorry dear Jesus. Please forgive me because I think, no matter how hard I try, I will do it again. Please have mercy on me a sinner. I do.
I do not know how anyone else communicates with God but my mind rambles like this all the time. My heart believes in God’s love and mercy, even for me, and sometimes in my darkness, I think I am the worst sinner ever and would be embarrassed to reveal to the world my thoughts and desires. Today’s first reading from the Letter of St. Paul to Timothy ends with…
To him be honor and eternal power. Amen.